HOW TO NOT DO DRUGS LIKE A COMPLETE MORON

COCAINE

Don’t do coke. Why not? This drug lasts three minutes, during which you will urgently have to shit, and the comedown lasts 24 hours. Coke is also bad for your heart, in a way that (glorious) amphetamine is not. I could explain exactly why cocaine is bad for your heart but it’s slightly complicated, involving the blockade of sodium ion channels, so just take my word for it. Also, if your enjoyment of coke is somehow predicated on the frighteningly dated idea that it’s glamorous, I advise you to rethink this. Coke is cheap, therefore it cannot be glamorous. Also, coke makes people fiendish. It looks undignified when you fiend for coke like a cartoon drug addict. If you want to impress people with an expensive and exotic drug, start bringing xenon gas to parties, or just snort Ritalin like an adult. I’ll leave it at that.

PSYCHEDELICS
Why is it that the most fascinating class of drugs known to man is embraced, almost exclusively, by extremely annoying people? Let me break down this difficult question for you as succinctly as possible. When you take psychedelics they inflate your sense of self-worth, allowing those who feel marginalised by our superficial capitalist society to understand their divine place in the context of humanity. This is not good per se, because the people that need this repeated psychedelic affirmation of their human validity are often physically deformed, or oily middle-aged therapists who play the zither. Seeing this, outsiders falsely conflate psychedelics with the corny culture that surrounds them and decide psychedelics are bad. This is not the case. Smoke DMT and see for yourself, but do so with great care. If your intentions are impure you will be struck down by the ancient Aztec mushroom god and permanently forbidden from re-entry to the kingdom.

HEROIN

Is depressing to hear about. I hate listening to people talk about heroin and sadly a lot of kids who take heroin love nothing better than bragging about it. Talking about your heroin use is the pharmacological version of talking about how you were molested as a child; it makes everyone else extremely uncomfortable, thus you must keep it a secret. However, secret drug use = problem drug use, and so heroin is a problem.

CANNABIS AND CANNABINOIDS

There is some truth behind these oft-repeated stereotypes regarding cannabis anti-motivational syndrome; lack of volition, stick-to-it-ness and general negative impact on a can-do attitude. These things are real, sorry. Excessive weed use makes you into an infirm, comfort-thirsty, human pillow. If you smoke at night the architecture of your sleep is disrupted, you cease to dream, you rise in the morning after black, death-like coma-sleep. You are enervated and craving nothing but more coma-sleep. Your day is unproductive and then when the sun falls you want to do it all over again. Here is the trick: do not smoke on consecutive days. As long as you follow that rule you will remain a go-getter who carpes the diem. But wait! That is only half of the matter because weed, as in weed the plant, is essentially obsolete. Weed has been replaced by a large array of aminoalkylindole-based synthetic cannabinoids which have flooded the “legal high” market. There are dozens available, and I have tried all of them. Some, like JWH-073, are incredible drugs that surpass natural weed in every imaginable way: they are stimulating, psychedelic and hilarious, but their toxicity is unknown so I advise against using them regularly. Others like JWH-250 have no real advantage over natural weed anyway, so forget you, JWH-250.

VALIUM, PROZAC, XANAX, ETC.

Benzodiazepines are drugs prescribed for various anxiety disorders. People who are naturally calm usually do not get off on them, but people who are of an anxious disposition take 10mg of Valium and find themselves swaddled in a satin smooth zephyr of euphoria. Being addicted to benzodiazepines is like a training- wheels version of being addicted to opioids because they don’t cost much money, they are not (as) frowned upon by the law and they don’t really interfere with your life outside of the fact that your short-term memory ceases to exist. But be warned! Quitting benzos is extremely difficult and will result in weeks of menopausal crying spells provoked by things with absolutely no emotional content, such as Stephen Jay Gould’s theory of punctuated equilibrium. Benzos also magnify the hypnotic effects of alcohol to a ridiculous degree, making passing out at an inopportune time not so much a possibility as a certainty. I recall waking up on a bench one morning with my entire mouth full of chewed-up coffee grounds that I ate (presumably) in a futile attempt to avoid passing out. I have no idea where they came from and I’m not even sure they were coffee grounds.

Huffing gold paint from a tube sock, injecting temazepam into your eyeball, anointing the glans of your penis and/or labia with scopolamine, drinking Listerine, sniffing airplane glue, snorting the phosphor scraped from the inside of fluorescent light tubes, and other undignified, desperate, and generally inadvisable drug behaviours. Hey guy, you’re in college—correct? Let’s try to maintain an air of discretion in our drug use. The above will feel that much better when you drop out.

via Vice Mag